Okay, I can not get any photos to load and I don't know why. It is way to late to even try to figure it out. The reason I am so late posting this blog is because my Mother came to see me and she is spending the night. She was really worried about my well being, she assumed I was very depressed and drinking too much because the loss of Tina. Yes I am depressed and no I am not drinking everyday, only on days when I really want to feel really bad and that is not that often. I guess it is natural for a mother to worry about her child, she worries about me as if I am the only child she has but in reality I am one of seven living children.

Tonight I want to tell you about her real pain beyond the addiction, she suffered from leg pain and neck pain but no one really understood that pain. She had an MRI in the few months before she passed and it showed Fibromyalgia and growths on her spin in her neck region. I thought many times that she would complain about her legs to get me to buy her a pain pill. I never really believed her pain was real. Then I saw the MRI and I knew she was really in pain beyond her addiction. Perhaps she didn't have her addiction when she was younger but she did have a growing pain in her legs. I only sympathize  with her because I was born with Ehllers Danlos Syndrome, like Fibromyalgia it deals with pain in the bone and other parts of the genetic makeup of the body. Tina dealt with many struggles like, rape, neglect, abuse, beatings, losing her daughter, addiction, Fibromyalgia, neck pain, emotional abuse, obesity, unfaithfulness, loneliness, YOU NAME IT..... She went through it. I DO NOT BLAME her for wanting to medicate her pain, I blame her for choosing the wrong people to assist her in the last few months of her life. I begged her to listen to me but I was only a pawn in her path to happiness, death was her only hope beyond addiction. That sounds really bad but it was true. She would rather not deal with her own pain on the many levels that she faced it. She said this many times to me and some of them are recorded in her own voice saying so.......

Although Tina was in pain she also became an addict, she loved anything that would help her escape the world she once knew, the world she hated. I witnessed her pretending that everything was perfect for my sake, she pretended for her daughters sake. These are the reasons I am so glad I got to know the real Tina. It is this moment she would be most proud of me, standing up for her. Telling you what you didn't understand, what you didn't know. I knew her beyond addiction, I knew her when she was just Tina, living, surviving, coping.....and dealing with her own reality. She once told me to never speak of her secrets unless they were deserving enough to want to know. I promised her I would take her secrets to my grave and that is just where I will take them. The only reason I speak of these things is because she has allowed me. Many of our conversations are recorded, not because of incrimination, but  because I have a very bad memory, I can only remember the things I have a record of. I have many records of Tina, in her own voice. Soon I will begin to post them here in my blog, I refuse to expose Tina for many of the things she has said as I do not feel she would want them to be known. I will however give her explanation to anyone who deserves it, those who really want to care and know.

This post was never meant to be selfish or mean, I just wanted to extend the many things that you will soon hear in Tina's voice. She knew I recorded her on countless occasions, she knew just what memory I had. Sammie if you read this, there is so much you would want your mom to say to you and I have it on record. She loved you and you were her morning star just as she was my morning star. For those who read this and who don't know who Sammie is, Sammie is her wonderful, talented, magical, beautiful, bright, smart, intelligent and brave daughter. I heard those words over and over again, She loved Sammie like I love fried chicken, oh and by the way that is REAL LOVE....... Really she loved her daughter, Sammie was her world and she dreamed of one day being the Mother Sammie deserved. The only advise I can give you at this point my dear Sammie is "Janet Jackson, Together Again"

Forgive the misspellings and grammar issues, I am tired and wish for sleep... Maybe Ill figure out the photo issue tomorrow.