Okay, I can not get any photos to load and I don't know why. It is way to late to even try to figure it out. The reason I am so late posting this blog is because my Mother came to see me and she is spending the night. She was really worried about my well being, she assumed I was very depressed and drinking too much because the loss of Tina. Yes I am depressed and no I am not drinking everyday, only on days when I really want to feel really bad and that is not that often. I guess it is natural for a mother to worry about her child, she worries about me as if I am the only child she has but in reality I am one of seven living children.

Tonight I want to tell you about her real pain beyond the addiction, she suffered from leg pain and neck pain but no one really understood that pain. She had an MRI in the few months before she passed and it showed Fibromyalgia and growths on her spin in her neck region. I thought many times that she would complain about her legs to get me to buy her a pain pill. I never really believed her pain was real. Then I saw the MRI and I knew she was really in pain beyond her addiction. Perhaps she didn't have her addiction when she was younger but she did have a growing pain in her legs. I only sympathize  with her because I was born with Ehllers Danlos Syndrome, like Fibromyalgia it deals with pain in the bone and other parts of the genetic makeup of the body. Tina dealt with many struggles like, rape, neglect, abuse, beatings, losing her daughter, addiction, Fibromyalgia, neck pain, emotional abuse, obesity, unfaithfulness, loneliness, YOU NAME IT..... She went through it. I DO NOT BLAME her for wanting to medicate her pain, I blame her for choosing the wrong people to assist her in the last few months of her life. I begged her to listen to me but I was only a pawn in her path to happiness, death was her only hope beyond addiction. That sounds really bad but it was true. She would rather not deal with her own pain on the many levels that she faced it. She said this many times to me and some of them are recorded in her own voice saying so.......

Although Tina was in pain she also became an addict, she loved anything that would help her escape the world she once knew, the world she hated. I witnessed her pretending that everything was perfect for my sake, she pretended for her daughters sake. These are the reasons I am so glad I got to know the real Tina. It is this moment she would be most proud of me, standing up for her. Telling you what you didn't understand, what you didn't know. I knew her beyond addiction, I knew her when she was just Tina, living, surviving, coping.....and dealing with her own reality. She once told me to never speak of her secrets unless they were deserving enough to want to know. I promised her I would take her secrets to my grave and that is just where I will take them. The only reason I speak of these things is because she has allowed me. Many of our conversations are recorded, not because of incrimination, but  because I have a very bad memory, I can only remember the things I have a record of. I have many records of Tina, in her own voice. Soon I will begin to post them here in my blog, I refuse to expose Tina for many of the things she has said as I do not feel she would want them to be known. I will however give her explanation to anyone who deserves it, those who really want to care and know.

This post was never meant to be selfish or mean, I just wanted to extend the many things that you will soon hear in Tina's voice. She knew I recorded her on countless occasions, she knew just what memory I had. Sammie if you read this, there is so much you would want your mom to say to you and I have it on record. She loved you and you were her morning star just as she was my morning star. For those who read this and who don't know who Sammie is, Sammie is her wonderful, talented, magical, beautiful, bright, smart, intelligent and brave daughter. I heard those words over and over again, She loved Sammie like I love fried chicken, oh and by the way that is REAL LOVE....... Really she loved her daughter, Sammie was her world and she dreamed of one day being the Mother Sammie deserved. The only advise I can give you at this point my dear Sammie is "Janet Jackson, Together Again"

Forgive the misspellings and grammar issues, I am tired and wish for sleep... Maybe Ill figure out the photo issue tomorrow.

A middle of spring story.

It was sometime in March or April of 2010, Tina comes to my house as normal. Only on this day she brought a special treat with her. I woke up at about 9 that morning because we had big plans for a flower bed. I was the only one home that day, she comes through the door as I was coming out of the bath room. She said "Oh Jenny, Looky at what I got" She held up a bottle of scotch to be exact it was GlenLivet. I had never drank scotch before and didn't question where she got it.

I also had never drank in the daytime before either, she told me there was a first time for everything and headed out the door to walk Lady. We stopped off at the flower bed and she told me that she would love to have a flower bed of her own. She popped the top on the bottle and took a big shot. Then it was my turn, mind you I was only used to fruity drinks and had never had scotch in my mouth. I turned the bottle up and took as big a drink as she did. I ended up spitting it all over her. She busted out laughing, It was indeed the nastiest stuff I had ever tasted. She took another drink and told me she was going to get tipsy without me. She convinced me to try again but with a smaller drink and a chaser. I did just as she advised, It seemed to be a lot easier but boy did I ever hate it. We sat down to have one of our deep conversations and kept passing the bottle back and forth. About an hour had went by and she told me that she really wanted a flower bed and I told her that I would give her one of mine but she was in total control of it. She got to decide what flowers were in it and she had to keep it cleaned out and all that good stuff. I told her I would just sit back and watch unless she needed help. After a while she started telling me just how expensive the scotch was. I asked her where she had got it. By this time we were half done with the bottle. She told me that she had stolen it from her brother. I went into a panic, I told her she should not have done this and she told me to hush that she would have it replaced before he even knew about it. I told her that I felt bad for drinking it and I would help her pay for half of it.

She stood up and said where is the hoe, I told her there was one in the back of the truck so I went and pulled the truck closer to the flower bed and we started cleaning it out. We could not stop laughing because she had stolen the scotch. We ended up finishing the bottle off and we were both tipsy and began to feel so guilty. We would take breaks and lay on the ground in the warm sunshine. We had been cooped up pretty much all winter. Tina would always drink more than me and we never got out of hand when we were together. It was almost as if we were looking out for each other. By this time of year we had gotten pretty close and I could not imagine getting any closer but sure enough we had a few more days like this and had a true blast every time. Tina was so proud of her flower bed, she placed lots of flowers in it and kept it cleaned out that year. We had become practically twins by this time of year, everything we did we did it together. Flowers was just one of our favorites of many things that we did. I plan to keep that flower bed cleaned up and allow the flowers she planted to grow every year. She placed them where she wanted them and it was so beautiful. It was a team effort in the beginning because I had already put some flowers in the bed but she agreed with their placement so she left them as is. She was so proud when her mom gave her some pink flowers to go in her bed. I didn't realize it at that moment but she had beat her addiction for the time being. It was filled with good and happy times. I am so proud to know that she began to overcome many of her past trials. She began to forget the bad things that happened to her. Once we made it through the Stories of our past it was pure sunshine from there.

Tina up close and personal for the first time.

My first brave moment came the day after thanksgiving in 2009. The week before was a little different, Tina had came out and visited for a while. I was working on the deer figures that we put out every year. She didn't say anything to me and only stayed for about 10 minutes. The next day my brave moment went down. I was having issues with my blood pressure and my doctor told me that it was not much to worry about. I remember after I would eat my blood pressure would go up. I didn't have a way to check it but I would feel funny and that is how I assumed my BP was high. I researched the issue but never found a reasonable way to bring BP back to normal. Remember I thought Tina was a nurse at the time so..... She came out to look at our Christmas decorations and that was my moment. I walked outside, Brent was busy fixing burnt out strands of lights and I had went to help him although I felt bad due to my BP being up so high. I walked outside and I heard voices from the road and I knew someone else was out there. I went up to Tina who was standing next to Vince admiring the light display, I asked flat out, "What is the best way to reduce sodium in your blood" Tina said. "Honey, drink lots of water because sodium passes through your kidneys and bladder and then ends up as waist material." I continued talking to her but switched the conversation to our Christmas decorations. She told me that they were beautiful and that she loved seeing Christmas lights.

We have been putting up Christmas decorations as long as I can remember. We were always in competition with old Mrs. Workman. We wanted to have a bigger and better Christmas display than she did. Tina would stand in the road and look at the lights for hours on 

end. The next day we had went Christmas shopping and while we were gone Tina had came out to visit with Vince. We got back home kinda late and walked through the door and she was sitting there using the computer. I was in a good mood and felt like talking that day. I struck up a conversation about my health issues, I wanted to eat more left overs but I was debating if I should have or not. That is when Tina asked what had happened for me to have high blood pressure. I told her about my heart attack back on Feb, 15 2009. That is when she told me about her heart attack due to overdose of pain killers. Our heart issues connected us right then and we had an entire conversation about how and why we both had gotten sick. I didn't think much about the overdose at that point. I had never been exposed to drug use in an abusive way. I didn't know she had a problem with pain killers, in fact I didn't know much about my own addictions. To make her feel not so alone I told her that I was a food addict. She was playing a game on the computer and I could hear the faint sound of the game. I couldn't see the screen though. The game broke my concentration and I asked what she was playing. She told me she was playing Uno on Facebook. I didn't even know what Facebook was at that time, I had heard about it but never checked into it. I walked around to look at the game and the new craze of Facebook. I told her I wanted to open an account to play some of the games. She told me to play a round for her because she wanted more watergate salad. I learned that night that she was not shy at all and was very true to herself. After everyone had went to bed Tina told me the story of see her grandmother when she Overdosed the first time. I was confused and so she broke it all down for me. She told me that she overdosed twice. One recent that she was in the process of recovering from and getting clean and the first one a while before that. She told me that during her first overdoes she saw a bright light and she went toward it. She said her grandmother was standing there dressed in a white robe. Her grandmother spoke to her and then told her to go back that it was not her time. Tina loved her grandmother very much and often talked about her. Then Tina told me about her second overdose, she said that she saw complete darkness the second time around. She told me she was afraid that she was not living her life right. I was raised in a very christian home, I had attended church since I could remember. I talked to her about God, Jesus and the bible and how to live to the best of your ability. She felt a lot better after our little talk.

I went to bed with a smile on my face. I knew we connected but I was sure in for a treat. We grew from that moment on, we never stopped growing.

Valentines day was a holiday that I never got to see Tina 
share with a boyfriend or husband. I took it upon myself 
to take the place of the things she was missing, like a 
sweetheart on valentines day.  Every woman gets 
chocolates and flowers, I presumed. Brent had never 
missed a holiday, he makes sure I feel like the most special
girl in the world. I couldn't help but notice that Tina was 
being left out. I made sure I was always her valentine, 
she informed me that she had never felt like a true 
valentine. This fueled my fire in making her feel she 
was a valentine, and that she got to have a valentine.

 

She would always end
 up eating most of my
 chocolates and Brent
 had known this would
come to be, he bought me double chocolates so that I could share them with 
my tied for first valentine. She never wanted to be my second valentine and 
neither did Brent, we just ended up in an agreement that Tina and Brent always 
tied first. I really had nothing to do with this fight to be my number one 
valentine but I loved the attention. It was great fun, it is hard to find a best 
friend and a husband that agree instead of destroy. 


Brent respected the love that Tina and I shared and Tina respected Brent and I 
for the love we shared. Trust me there was never a dull moment when they would 
get into competition for my affection. It was easy for me, I knew how to be a 
double valentine although I had never done it before. Raspberry chocolates were 
Tina's favorite, this threw me for a loop because she hated artificial 
strawberry and watermelon flavors. The raspberry was so artificial yet it was 
her favorite. My favorite is the orange flavor. 

Raspberry was a stand out word for Tina, she said she had never heard anyone 
pronounce it the way I did. She had always heard "razzberry" typical of the 
average American but I pronounced it with its slight "p" sound instead of the 
"zz" sound. I never heard her pronounce it "razzberry" ever again. She respected 
the word just as I did and spoke "ras-p-berry" from then on. We knew that (raz- 
berē) was the proper way to say it but we often challenged things we disagreed 
with. 

 The pictures in this post are of Valentines day 2010,
 I remember Brent had got me those two huge boxes of
chocolates. I put one away and took the other to the 
table with me. Tina dived right in and we ended up eating 
the entire box. Several hours later Tina looked at me and 
said "I wish there were more chocolates". I decided to 
surprise her with the second box. We nearly ate all of 
them as well. We were wired for the entire night, however 
we both had a major sugar crash and ended up sleeping 
on this chair bed together for a good nap. Don't ask how 
we both fit but we did and napped together here many 
times

 A Connection before we connected

 Tina and I had our first connection at my 
birth. Tina was only 14 years old at 
the time. I was born in 1979 in a hospital 
where her mother was employed. Tina's 
mom was there when I was born. I had
 never known that until I had met Tina in 
2009. My birth was one to remember I 
suppose. Although I didn't meet Tina on a 
personal level till 2009 she had been 
my neighbor for a few years. I remember 
seeing Tina out and about from 2006.
 I was extremely shy at that time and 
suffered a major relapse of depression.
 I have suffered from depression for many 
years, my 2006 relapse was the longest
 and most difficult. It lasted for about 8 
months. I didn't have any close friends as
 a teen, I was home schooled and only 
had family to be friends with, I am very close to my baby sisters and youngest 
two brothers. They all attended public school and I only had school 3 days per 
week all by myself. Most of my time was spent with my mother whom I find myself 
exactly like



I remember writing a letter to god asking him to send me a best girlfriend i 
mailed the letter labeled heaven. As an adult I had met a woman named Tammy, we 
got close but she ended up moving away leaving me alone. I developed a 
friendship with my husband and it was sufficient for a while. A husband can't be 
a girlfriend though. I then met another good friend named Nichole and we were 
close for a few months and it ended in the same way as my first friendship. I 
shouldn't say ended but we lost communication. I haven't seen those two girls 
for years now. We talk on Facebook but that is the ashes of friendship. Losing 
touch with Tammy and Nichole back to back really took its toll on me. It wasn't 
long after that when I slipped into that relapse of depression I just wrote 
about. I feared meeting anyone new, I didn't want the third time to be the charm 
that would do me in. I turned to my husband and beagle hound for comfort. I had 
lots of love from family and in-laws but it isn't the same as a best friend. 

My family grew up and out, leaving me talking to myself most of the time. I got 
to see my sisters a few times a month and some lived with us for bits at a time 
once in a while. Martha and Daniel stayed the longest stents with us. Mary 
started college and eventually John moved away.  My brother in law had known 
Tina from school and as a child. They became close again when her family moved 
back to the ridge. Our house burnt in 2008 and we moved back in at Brent's moms. 
I would see Tina and Vince hang out from time to time. When she would come to 
our house to see Vince I would run to my room. She never stayed that long, I 
would go back to the living room and resume what I was doing after she had left. 
I just was not a people person. I had managed to avoid people my whole life, it 
wasn't just Tina I avoided, it was everyone. I figured the more people who met 
me the more questions would be asked. I had been the butt end of jokes and the 
target at the end of their finger as they pointed since I could walk. I figured 
at 30 years old it would take a mighty special person to break down the walls I 
built for 25 years. I never knew that special person would be one I avoided for 
4 years, I never would have guessed it would be Tina.

 Tina was born in early spring in 1965, she 
recalled some of her birthdays being 
cold with snow on the ground. She told
 me she remembered it being very warm on 
her 8th birthday and warm again on her 
18th birthday. Tina lived on the ridge 
when she was young then moved closer 
to town when her family sold the farm. Her 
family ended up buying the farm back
 just after the start on the new millennium. 
I remember seeing new people remodeling
 the house and in no time the whole farm 
got a facelift. Tina was the middle of tree 
children, she had one brother and 
one sister. She once said that being the 
middle child automatically made her the 
black sheep of her family. Tina was born
 breech, it was a difficult time as she 
was being born. She often commented saying "I was born ass first" then she'd 
giggle about it. 


Tina had friends growing up, a few became very close to her. She seldom spoke of 
them to me as they had grown apart over the years. Some she even had hard 
feelings for. She felt alone much like I did, she told me she had never met the 
perfect friend. I assume she meant a perfect friend would be one with no life, 
that could dedicate all of their time to a friendship yet love each other. I was 
the target in her sights, I was just that lifeless lonely person wanting and 
needing a friend. She often spoke of her childhood and had many pleasant stories 
about growing up. On the other hand she began to see a much more difficult life 
as she grew from child to teenager. She recalled many dark and sad times as 
well. She also suffered from depression and struggled with so many questions of 
life. Tina tried to medicate her emotions with food and became overweight, much 
like I did. 

Besides food I turned to a few drinks on the weekends to medicate my emotions. I 
remember pulling up to the drive through at the liquor store one Friday night to 
be waited on by none other than Tina. I didn't even know her name at that point. 
She looked like someone I had seen before. Later she told me that she knew 
exactly who I was. We were alike in so many ways, it was our destiny to meet 
each other and share our burdens of life long before we even met face to face. 
Before I had the courage to even talk to her I would observe her. She seemed 
like a well put together person from a strangers perspective, I was not sure I 
would meet her standards and expectations. I would hear a few things about her 
every once in a while and was under the impression that she was a nurse. Brent 
had told me that he had worked with her at the hospital, he didn't say exactly 
what her job was.

  Tina and I both went through 
heart issues before we met, 
I have an enlarged heart and she
 suffered cardiac arrest. Our lives
 lived before we met were 
strikingly alike. It would give us 
years of conversation, we never 
stopped talking. Now you have a very
 small summery of our history, 
tomorrow starts the stories of two 
lives destined to be together. 

This is my first post of this blog, I can't believe that I have the courage to write a blog so soon. I am afraid of losing memories, I have to write about the good and bad times in order to keep myself from going crazy.

There is so much I have to say about my dearest friend.

 My name is Jenny, I had the pleasure of knowing a wonderful woman named Tina.

Tina and I met in 2009 and grew inseparable. In the picture above we were laying on my bed getting ready to watch the movie Dreamcatcher, Tina was a diehard fan of Steven King. Dreamcatcher would be our final film watched together. Tina passed away on February 4th 2012.

I created this blog to tell everyone about the Tina that I knew, the secrets we shared and memories that will last a lifetime. We went through a series of phases in our friendship, from neighbors to eventually soul sisters. Our journey was filled with the happiest of times and the saddest of times.

The greatest gift that Tina and I shared was respect, we respected each others differences and similarities. We accepted each other for the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. Usually it would take hard work and dedication to have a lasting friendship, Tina and I were so different than that. Our friendship was effortless, boundless and everlasting.

I hope that you, the reader, enjoy my daily memories of the most amazing person I have ever known.











 

I know the risks I am taking by writing this blog so therefor, by law I must swear that all statements herein are true.